Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
