I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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