Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
