If that was your dad, he is hot
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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