I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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