I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
