Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
