Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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