walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
