At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
We need to get me chipped asap
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
