Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
