Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize