Redeem this text for a blowjob
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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