hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
We are two peas in an std pod
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
