You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
