I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
