Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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