Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Randomize
