I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
