I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
