I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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