My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
