She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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