i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
