u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
