drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
