I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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