Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
