Pants 0. Shit 1.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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