She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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