Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
