that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
We named our party play list daddy issues
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
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