I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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