I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
