god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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