i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
