Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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