the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
