remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
