you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
