I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
