i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
