I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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