I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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