it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
