I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
