Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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