Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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