new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Randomize
