haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
