I CAN MOONWALK!
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize