I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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