If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
