So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
