She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
